


Will You Take Me To Nirvana

by Single_Man_Tear



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, Help, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Season/Series 10, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-04-01 03:33:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4004290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Single_Man_Tear/pseuds/Single_Man_Tear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The second the Darkness appeared it was gone. But before Dean can allow himself to worry about the rest of the world, he has to fix his broken angel. But the results of Rowena's spell left more damage than the Winchesters could have ever imagined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Finding His Angel

**Author's Note:**

> So after the finale, I really needed some Destiel in my life. Especially Dean taking care of Cas after what happened in episode 23. This is what happens when I'm running on empty and can't sleep because I have a million ideas in my head. Enjoy! (Credit to Sam Smith for the lyrics I chose for the title!)

The second the black smoke cleared, Dean was out of the car.

"I can't believe this. I CANNOT believe this." He shouted at the clear blue sky, storming around the car to examine his rear wheel. He heard the other door open but didn't look up as Sam got out. "Of all the things to screw me over as soon as the Mark's gone, it's a friggin' pothole." He snapped, opening the trunk and grabbing a shovel. While he worked, Dean pulled out his phone, punching in a number and waiting impatiently. 

*We're sorry, "I-I don't understand. Why do you want me to say my name?" is not available. At the tone, please record your message.*

"Dammit!" Dean shouted, tossing his phone aside without bothering to leave a message. 

As soon as the wheel was clear, Dean scrambled back into the car and threw it into drive, barely waiting for Sam to climb back in after him before slamming down on the gas.

"We are so screwed." He muttered, mostly to himself, but Sam looked up with apprehensive eyes. 

"Dean-"

"I don't want to hear it, Sam!"

"But-"

"No! I get it, okay? I get why you did it. But it was stupid."

"How was it any more stupid than Death hurling you into outer space!?" Sam exclaimed. 

"At least then we wouldn't have unleashed freaking Darkness on the entire planet!" Dean shouted back, swerving slightly as he took a turn too fast and Sam shut up in favor of grabbing onto his seat to keep from toppling over. "I told you not to trust that witch! That the book was bad news. I told you it would come to bight us in the ass and now look!" Dean pointed at the sky where Darkness had swarmed not ten minutes ago. "Ass bitten, Sam!"

"I know, Dean, alright!" Sam sighed, "But I'm not apologizing. I meant everything I said back there."

"Yeah, great, that's all very reassuring. I'll keep that in mind when every bad son of a bitch we sent down under comes after us." Dean snapped.

Desperate for something to calm him down, Dean dialed Cas's number again. 

*We're sorry-*

"Sonofabitch Cas, answer me!" He shouted, throwing his phone down and picking up speed, the Impala's engine whispering a warning as the tires slid on the road. 

"Dean, slow down!"

"No." He said stubbornly and he could feel the stern eyes on the side of his head but ignored them. 

"You're not going to be able to help anyone if you're dead!"

"Shut up, Sam."

They drove in silence for a moment before Dean dialed his number again, hanging up the second the ringing stopped. 

"Dammit..."

"He'll be alright, Dean. He can take care of himself." Sam tried to assure him, but that only made him furious. 

"Like Charlie could take care of herself." He snarled, hands clenching on the wheel and Sam looked down. Dean almost regretted his words, feeling actual....feelings...for the first time in months. Sadness washed over him, grabbing at his chest. He thought about the last time he saw Cas. The blood on his hands, running down Cas's face and dripping from his mouth. The knife he'd slammed down beside the angel's head with a threat on his lips. Anguish he couldn't remember feeling clenched at his lungs, regret clouding his vision. But his mind was clear. No red flashed in his eyes. No rage pumped through his veins. All he could feel was remorse. 

"He can't die, Sam..." Dean whispered and Sam looked up, surprised by his change in tone. "I can't lose him. I nearly lost you today. I lost Charlie. I as good as killed her. All of this was my fault."

"No, Dean-"

"Just be quiet, okay?"

Sam nodded, watching him as he let out a shaky sigh, running a hand through his hair. Even before the Mark took hold, Dean rarely shared what he was feeling. When he did, it was because he had finally reached a breaking point. Sam knew when his brother was ready to talk, he just needed to be there to listen. 

"The last time I saw him, I told him I would kill him if he got near me again. That I would make sure that blade pierced his heart. I nearly did it. I wanted to see those wings burn, to see the grace die from his eyes. I remember it all, Sam. I remember the rage, the heat in my veins, the knife in my hands. I was so close..." 

Dean remembered when Cas grabbed his wrist and pleaded. He wasn't begging for his life, he wasn't even begging for Dean to stop. All he said was "Please." and Dean's resolve had crumbled instantly. Cas was begging him to remember and some part of him did. 

"I have to apologize. I have to make this right, Sam." Dean finally whispered. "I can't lose him like this. Not when I just got put back together."

Thirty minutes later, with Dean's reckless driving and Sam's hurried directions, they pulled into an abandoned warehouse. 

"Crap..." Was all Dean managed as they peered up at the building. 

The windows were shattered, glass strewn across the parking lot. The few surrounding trees were uprooted and on their sides in the dirt. Any doors to the place were blasted off their hinges, thick hunks of metal lying feet away from the entrance. 

"You don't think she's still in there?" Dean asked, searching for any signs of life in the windows. Sam shook his head mutely beside him. 

Dean knew what he was thinking because he was thinking it, too. Nothing could have survived that blast. 

But he pushed those thoughts aside, resolve kicking in as he launched himself out of the car. 

"Where were they?"

"Inside, first hall on the left. It leads to an abandoned laboratory." Sam instructed. "I'm going to check the outside." He added, grabbing a shotgun out of the back and bolting in the opposite direction. 

Dean sprinted up the steps and through the main doorway, skidding down the first hall. Sure enough, another flight of stairs down, he came into the lab. 

It was dark, only light filtering in through the shattered windows. Tables and crates were upended and against the wall. The only one left in tact was a metal slab bolted to the floor, ingredients strewn across its surface. 

"Cas?" Dean tried, voice coming out weaker than he intended. 

At first, it looked like there was no one in the room. 

And then...

"Cas!"

Dean hurdled over a fallen table and across the room to the broken figure hiding in the dark. 

Curled up against a pillar, the angel was huddled against himself, head between his knees and gripping the sides of his head so hard he threatened to pull his hair out of his head. He was shaking so roughly Dean thought at first he was having a seizure. Kneeling down beside him, his hands fluttered uselessly, unsure of how to proceed. 

"Cas?" He whispered close to the angel's ear, but it was like he couldn't hear. There was blood on his knuckles, showing brightly over the white skin stretched over his tight fists. Cuts and bruises were visible on his wrists and red stained his coat. Dean hoped it wasn't his own. 

Finally, he placed one feather light hand on his shoulder, "Castiel?"

The reaction was instant. 

Cas hissed, head lurching up as he propelled himself with inhuman strength across the room into the opposite corner, though his position remained unchanged. He gripped his sides, curled against himself, watching Dean with frightened eyes. 

"Cas, it's me...it's Dean." He whispered, trying to come closer but Cas scrambled away, pressing further against the wall. Blood stained his cheeks from the corners of his eyes, which darted between Dean's own without any signs of recognizing him.

It was like someone had dumped ice down Dean's throat as realization hit him, freezing him in place. 

Cas didn't recognize him. 

Cas didn't remember him.


	2. Free Will

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the comments and kudos! It means so much to me. Hope you enjoy the next chapter!!

"Cas?" Dean whispered from across the room, hands raised to show he meant no harm but the angel flinched at the sound of his name. As Dean made a move to come closer, the angel flung himself further away, clutching the knife against his chest and looking ready to use it if the human moved again. "Alright, it's okay. I'm not coming any closer." Dean said softly, trying to keep his voice calm so he wouldn't frighten his friend more. 

"Cas, do you recognize me?"

The angel dragged his eyes up, wide and fearful, to meet Dean's. "My name is Castiel. I'm an angel of the Lord." He said softly and Dean could have sworn he felt a blade pierce through his heart at the familiarity of those words. They were spoken with more confusion now than they had been in the barn seven years ago. "Why do you keep calling me Cas?" He asked, eyes narrowing with a head tilt that Dean was accustomed to, but it didn't comfort him. 

Dean remained silent for a moment, unsure of how to proceed. How could he explain to the angel who he was? All that he had done in his time on Earth...it was gone. Their friendship, their lives together, all their struggles and victories, they were gone. Dean may have wished there were certain memories he could make the angel forget, like his rage from a few days ago that almost caused him to kill his best friend. But he never wanted Cas to forget him entirely. 

He was going to kill that witch the second he got his hands on her. 

While Dean had been stuck in his own head, wondering how to explain himself to the angel, suddenly Cas was across the room, angel blade pressed against his throat. Dean didn't fight him, toppling backwards onto the ground with his hands on Castiel's shoulders in an attempt to keep him steady. 

"Who are you?!" He hissed through clenched teeth, blue eyes wild and furious. But Dean could see the confusion, the fear, hidden deep in the eyes he knew so well. This aggression was just for show, an attempt to display dominance, to scare Dean into giving him the information he so desperately needed. Behind the enraged mask, the angel was frightened, searching for the pieces to put everything back together. 

"My name is Dean Winchester." He whispered, hands still braced on Castiel's shoulders. "And you're the one who gripped me tight and raised me from perdition." He said softly. He would always remember those first words Cas had uttered, right after Dean shot him no less than five times and stabbed him in the chest. Calm and collected, Cas had simply removed the knife as though it was nothing. 

Now, the angel's eyes above him narrowed, blade quivering under his chin. Blood was still on his hands and dried on his face, showing he was closer to humanity than he had been all those years ago. Dean glanced down at the knife but made no attempt to shove it away, watching his friend for some kind of reaction from his words. 

"Dean Winchester." He repeated, trying the name on his tongue, obviously finding it unfamiliar. 

His eyes glowed faintly as he looked down at the human pinned beneath his knife. Dean watched, unable to stop the awed expression from crossing his face at the sight of his eyes glowing brilliant blue. 

A frown creased Castiel's brow as the light faded, apparently more confused than he had been before. 

"Cas?"

"Don't call me that." He hissed and Dean snapped his mouth shut, ignoring the way his harsh words stabbed at him. 

"Your soul...it seems...familiar." Castiel whispered, closing his eyes for a moment, as though replaying the memory in his mind. His hand suddenly seemed to take on a mind of it's own and he dragged it up to Dean's shoulder, fitting it perfectly where his hand print had been years ago. Dean's eyes widened as tingles shot through his body from where Cas touched, as though grace was still lingering inside him. Cas wrenched his hand away, staring down at it confusion with shocked eyes. 

"How is this possible?"

"Cas?"

His head jerked up threateningly but Dean just watched him. 

"I raised you from Hell. You are the righteous man." Cas mused, looking down at Dean with a deep frown. 

"In a matter of speaking." Dean huffed. 

"My grace...it seems to remember you. Some kind of profound bond has been left where my grace mingled with your soul while retrieving you from Hell. But my mind is clouded. I do not remember ever entering Hell and I certainly don't remember you." Cas said faintly. He slowly moved away from him, blade still raised. "Why don't I remember?" He asked angrily and Dean shook his head. 

"I don't know...there was a spell. It must have messed with your brain."

"What am I doing here? What spell cursed me? Spells are not able to affect angels." He asked harshly, brandishing his knife while he spoke. 

Dean stared at him, sitting up carefully, hands still raised in surrender. 

"I don't know where to start Cas....Castiel." Dean murmured.

The sound of footsteps in the hall startled the angel to his feet, blade raised in front of him like a sword. Dean didn't miss the way the angel stepped in front of him, like he felt it was his job to protect the righteous man. Dean sucked in a breath at the memories from their first few months together, when Cas believed it was his duty to stay by his human, to keep him from harm. The angel that didn't understand free will, that believed it was his mission to protect the Winchesters at all costs. 

Dean hated seeing him like that again. After all they had been through, Cas didn't deserve to have to go back into that mind set. Didn't deserve to think he was nothing more than a soldier, a protector. He was so much more than just an angel, and he didn't remember any of it. 

Sam skidded into the room, clamoring down the steps without noticing his brother on the ground or Cas's defensive stance, which didn't break as Sam came closer. 

"Cas! You're alright!" Sam exclaimed, relief evident in his voice and expression, but it slipped into one of confusion when the knife didn't lower. "Cas...what's going on?"

"Who is this man?" Castiel hissed at Dean. Sam's jaw dropped, head whipping to look at his brother, whom he finally noticed on the floor. 

Dean sent him a warning look, shaking his head ever so slightly, "This is Sam. He's my younger brother." Dean said, ready to grab Cas if he decided he didn't like Sam and attacked. 

Castiel nodded once, finally stowing the knife in his sleeve. Dean breathed a momentary sigh of relief. 

"I need to return to Heaven and look for further answers, seeing as you do not seem eager to provide them." Cas said, sounding more like the angel Dean met in the barn seven years ago, not the angel that had become human, lived and died for humanity, sacrificed his grace time and time again to save his friends. It wasn't the angel Dean cared for, the angel that had become a part of their messed up little family. He was heaven's soldier again, with no feelings, no understanding of the humans before him. 

Dean finally lost the shred of control he had as Cas began to glow. "Cas, wait!"

But it was too late. 

With a crack of thunder, the light blinded him and when Dean was finally able to see again, the angel was no longer standing before him. But he hadn't managed to leave the room. 

Castiel had crumbled to the ground, quivering and unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you all think? I'll try to update in the next couple of days. A happier chapter ahead, I promise!!!!!


	3. Coming Home

"Dean-" Sam warned, but his brother was on the floor beside his angel almost instantly. He rested one hand cautiously on Cas's shoulder, expecting a similar reaction from before, but Cas didn't seem to notice him or even feel the weight of the hand on his arm. He trembled on the ground, curled in on himself. Dean came closer, seeing tears running down his cheeks from the corners of his tightly shut eyes, lips quivering as he whispered something in a language Dean didn't know. 

"Start the car..." Dean muttered, blindly tossing his keys in Sam's direction. He didn't protest, climbing the stairs and disappearing down the hall. A moment later, Dean heard his baby roar to life. 

"Alright angel...time to take you home." Dean whispered in his friend's ear, knowing he likely didn't hear, and if he did, it wasn't like he remembered his voice anyway. Shaking off the sinking feeling in his stomach from the thought of having to go through all this again when Cas woke up, Dean curled one arm under the angel's legs, the other around his waist. It took a couple of tries because Cas refused to unfurl from his fetal position, but Dean got him up and into his arms, starting to make his way to the exit. 

He was surprised when the angel's tremors almost instantly stilled, when fingers clutched the fabric of his shirt, and even more shocked when Cas buried his face in the crook of Dean's neck and relaxed in his arms. But he didn't stop to think about it, climbing up the stairs and into the sunlight. Some part of the angel, deep down, must still remember him. 

Dean paused on the outside steps, looking up at the sky with an accusing glare, waiting for something to come for them. 

"All clear out here!" Sam called, sensing his brother's uneasiness. 

"Somehow, that doesn't make me feel better." Dean mumbled when he got closer. 

Sam pursed his lips but didn't comment, pulling open the backseat door and helping Dean slide Cas into the car. He shot Dean a questioning look when he climbed in after the angel, resting Cas's head in his lap. 

"If Cas wakes up back here alone he's not going to think twice before pulling out that knife. He'll start stabbing anything that moves, especially you. At least if I'm back here I can grab him." Dean rationalized, even though he was lying through his teeth. He really was staying with the angel because, in the few seconds the Dean had let him go to get him settled in the back seat, Cas had started trembling violently. Sam hadn't noticed, but Dean certainly did. Thankfully, Sam chose not to argue, nodding once and climbing into the front seat. 

Dean watched Castiel the entire ride, carding a hand through his damp hair as the quivering subsided. They road in silence, only sounds coming from the steady hum of the engine and Cas's irregular breathing. Dean listened to it with narrowed eyes. If he paused between each breath for more than a few seconds, Dean had a brief panic attack before a ragged gasp was drawn through the angel's lips again. 

He caught Sam's eyes flicking to the rear view mirror more than once, glancing from Dean to Cas before going back to the road. There was worry in his eyes every time he looked at Cas. Dean had a feeling he was already blaming himself for the angel's current state. A part of Dean thought he should. The other, much more prominent part, blamed himself. He wondered if Cas would too...if he ever remembered. 

As the engine cut off, Sam climbed out and opened the door for them, helping Dean get the angel into his arms, who wasted no time curling in against Dean's chest for comfort. 

Dean didn't think as he brought the angel into his bedroom, laying him on top of the covers and setting his head on the pillow. Sam followed with a frown but Dean ignored him in favor of getting Cas out of his dirty trench coat, shoes, and socks. 

"I need to clean these." He said, gesturing to the wounds on Cas's hands and bustling past his confused brother into the bathroom. 

"Dean...what happened back there." He asked, following him and standing in the doorway. Dean didn't answer, ducking into the cabinet to pull their stocked first aid kit out and hide his expression. "He doesn't remember anything, does he?" Sam demanded, stepping to the side as Dean brushed past him. "He doesn't remember us?"

"No, Sam, he doesn't." Dean snapped, glowering at him as he headed back to his room, but Sam grabbed his arm, making him stop. "Not now, okay?" He groaned, not wanting to be away from Cas too long in case the tremors came back. 

"You mean the past seven years of his life are just gone? What the hell, Dean!"

"You think I've got some magical explanation?" Dean shouted back. "Until three hours ago, I was convinced I would be dead now, or at least out in space somewhere. I didn't even know what was going on here until the Mark got blasted off. Which I'm still pissed about, by the way." Dean added, wrenching his hand from Sam's grip, who glared at him. "Rowena must have done something to him before she escaped, I don't know. There is nothing I can do about that right now. We don't know where she is, or where Crowley is, or whatever the hell is happening with the Darkness. I can't do anything yet. This." He raised the first aid kit and shook it, "This I can do. And if I don't do something, I'm gonna go nuts. So just let it go. We'll figure something out when he wakes up, alright?"

Sam glared at him but nodded, following him back into the bedroom and leaning against the door. 

Dean worked silently, pouring alcohol on the angel's wounds, which went unnoticed by the patient. Nothing needed stitches, just cleaning. He wrapped his friend's knuckles in gauze to keep him from irritating them, moving on to clean the blood from his face. His eyes hadn't been damaged, Dean suspected that had something to do with his grace, but he gently wiped the blood away from his cheeks, washing his face and brushing his hair from his eyes before sitting down on the edge of his bed, content to just watch him until he woke up. Dean wondered if the worry he felt staring down at his friend as he slept was what Cas went through whenever he watched over Dean. Did he worry every night if Dean would wake up again? Was that why he was so content to remain by his side at night, ignoring personal space and boundaries in favor of making sure he kept breathing?

Dean hoped not, because the agony he was currently in was not something he wished on anyone else.

Sam came in about two hours later while Dean was dosing in a chair beside the bed, carrying a sandwich. 

"Thought you could use some food." 

Dean looked at apprehensively. With the Mark gone, he realized that he might actually manage to taste what he was putting in his mouth. Nothing had been the same with the Mark, with the consistency of soot and close to the same taste. So he snatched the sandwich off the plate and ate it in less than five bights, a smile appearing on his face for the first time since the Mark had been taken off. 

Sam stared at him with a frown that morphed into a slightly amused smile. "Hungry?"

"Dude, I swear you have never made anything this good before." Dean groaned quietly, careful not to disturb the sleeping angel. 

Sam sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at Cas and then back at Dean. "Any change?"

Dean sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "His breathing is more even now...but no. Nothing else. He hasn't budged or woken up. Eyes aren't moving. Nothing." He shook his head, glaring accusingly at the angel. "I'm worried, Sam."

Suddenly blue eyes flew open and Dean stared in shock, nearly toppling off his chair. The angel lurched upward, grabbing Dean around the neck, eyes wild and frightened. 

"Cas!" He choked, tugging at the tightening fingers as stars danced across his vision. 

"Who are you!" He bellowed, eyes flashing bright and Sam scrambled behind him, trying to pull him off but Cas flicked his wrist and Sam flew across the room. 

Dean saw his chance, grabbing the one hand still on his throat and prying it off, pinning the struggling angel to the mattress. 

"Get off me!" Cas hissed, weakened already from using his grace on Sam, who was stumbling to his feet. 

"Cas, you're alright, you're safe!" Dean assured him, still pinning his wrists to the mattress. "Stop fighting me, man, I'm trying to help you!" He exclaimed, arms shaking from the effort of keeping Cas down. 

"I am an angel, I do not...need...your help." His voice was fading in and out, eyes drooping. 

"That's alright, Cas, go back to sleep."

"No...no..." He slowly stopped struggling as his body sagged into the mattress, head dropping back onto the pillows. 

"I've got you Cas. I promise." Dean whispered, letting go of his wrists and stroking his hair. 

"....Dean." Castiel breathed before his eyes slipped closed.


	4. Wake Me Up

"Dean...." That's what Cas had said, wasn't it? Dean spent what felt like hours frozen over the angel, staring down at his peaceful face in complete confusion. Dean couldn't have heard him right. He must have imagined it, so desperate for his friend to remember that his mind played a trick on him. That had to be it. 

At least, that's what he convinced himself until Sam finally picked himself off the floor and crossed the room. 

"Did he say "Dean"?" Sam murmured, rubbing his head with a soft frown. His hair was standing on end, a lump appearing on his forehead from the impact, but Dean didn't notice. 

"He can't have..." Dean mused, pushing away and collapsing into the chair. His neck was starting to hurt, soreness spreading through the muscles and he swiveled his head from side to side. He would have some nice bruises in an hour. 

"I heard it-"

"You just angel-whammied across the room, I don't think you're in much of a position to say you heard anything." Dean pointed out and Sam glared at him. Dean didn't care. He wouldn't get his hopes up. It was his imagination. 

"Whatever." Sam sighed, shaking his head and walking out the door. Dean watched him go before turning back to the angel, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the bed, chin in his hands. 

His eyes roamed over Castiel's face, trying to familiarize himself with the features he seemed to have forgotten. It had been over a year since he saw the angel clearly, without red blurring his vision, rage clouding his mind and making thinking impossible. Had he always been so thin? Dean didn't remember his skin stretching quite so tight or his cheek bones being so prominent in his face. The dark circles under his eyes from stressful, sleepless human nights were also knew to him, standing out against Cas's still faintly tanned skin. With a stab of guilt, Dean looked away, realizing he was the reason the angel looked the way he did. Losing his grace over and over again, taking on heaven and earth to see his human whole again had finally proved to be too much for him. 

Dean looked up again, refusing to allow the mist in his eyes to turn into real tears, and he whispered, "I'm so sorry, Cas." 

***

Nearly three days passed, Dean refusing to leave Castiel's side unless it was a dire emergency. He talked to the angel more than he talked to his brother, whom he was still determined to be angry at. He told him about his day, which was never eventful, because he spent it at his bedside watching The Game of Thrones reruns on TV or catching up on Doctor Sexy. He explained the complex characters in great detail, telling Cas he would have to watch the show when he woke up. Dean always ended his conversations by telling the angel to wake up. It never happened, but Dean hoped he heard. 

Dean was in the middle of explaining Margaery Tyrell ("That hateful bitch.") when he noticed Cas's finger twitching on the bed. He fell silent instantly, coming closer and grabbing his hand. 

"Cas?"

Nothing. He glared at the angel's peaceful face, squeezing his hand desperately. "Come on, man. You have to wake up sometime."

No reply. Dean never got one, but he would keep saying it until he got a response. 

So Dean flopped back in his chair with a frustrated groan. He didn't release Cas's hand, rubbing his thumb over the knuckles and turning back to the screen, watching as Tyrell moved across the room with ease. He didn't keep explaining her to the angel, even though she was one of his favorite characters. His momentary excitement over Cas's minute movement had morphed into wallowing depression. 

"Anything? Sam asked, coming into the room with a sandwich for Dean. He seemed to be trying to get back into his brother's good graces by way of food. It certainly wasn't hurting. 

"Thought he moved." Dean grumbled miserably, taking the offered sandwich and shoving it in his mouth. He couldn't keep the faint smile off his face as he chewed. After months of everything he ate being tasteless or worse, feeling like ash in his mouth, Dean didn't think he would ever tire of eating, of tasting, as long as he lived. 

"God I've missed food." Dean groaned, sitting back in his chair grinning at his brother. 

"I can tell..." Sam mused, frowning at his brother for a moment, eyes darting to his hand, still clasping the angel's, and back to Dean's face. 

Dean just narrowed his eyes, as though daring his brother to say something, but Sam just pursed his lips in a knowing way and left the room without a word. 

Twenty minutes later, when Dean started to stand, pulling his hand away so he could turn off the TV, the angel's fingers clenched around his, attempting to keep him there. 

Without thinking, Dean wrenched his hand away, stumbling back in surprise. He stared at Castiel with wide eyes, inching closer. He tried to convince himself he imagined it, expecting to find Cas still laying stock-still on top of the covers. To his surprise, Cas's eyelids were fluttering, eyes moving frantically beneath them. Taking the angel's hand again, he was rewarded with an immediate, tight grip. 

"...Cas?" He said, barely at a whisper. 

At first, his eyelids only continued fluttering, as though he was struggling to open them. 

"Come on, Cas, you can do it." Dean urged, coming closer so he was right beside the angel, speaking in his ear. "Come on, angel, open your eyes."

Slowly, carefully, Cas's eyes opened, staring straight up at the ceiling before he slammed them shut again, like the light had surprised him.

"...Cas?"

Again, he warily opened his eyes, looking up at the ceiling again before slowly wandering around the room until his eyes found Dean's. He stared for a moment, blue eyes searching green. Dean waited, afraid to move in case it frightened the angel into action. His neck was still bruised and he wasn't sure it would be in his best interest to get strangled again. 

"......Dean?" Cas rasped, name getting caught in his throat, sounding dry and cracked. 

But hearing his name, however terrible it sounded, was like music to Dean's ears. 

"Hey, Cas." He whispered with a full blown smile, something he hadn't managed to do, truthfully, in over a year.

"H-Hello, Dean." 

Happiness Dean had never felt before bubbled in his chest and he let out a relieved laugh, scooping the angel into a tight hug. "God, Cas, you scared the hell outta me." He groaned into the angel's hair. 

At first, Cas was limp in his arms, cradled against Dean's chest like he couldn't figure out how to use his limbs. Then he tentatively wrapped his arms around the hunter's waist, pressing his forehead to his shoulder with a soft huff. 

"I'm sorry." He croaked, sounding like he had no idea what he was apologizing for. But he held on tighter, fisting the fabric of Dean's shirt and pressing closer, eyes closed and breathing deeply. 

They had certainly passed the normal hug time limit, but Dean didn't care, just holding on, stroking Cas's back and hair, a wide smile on his face. There were tears in his eyes but, again, he refused to let them fall. Cas just kept his fingers curled in Dean's shirt and head buried in the crook of his neck. 

"That Mark!" Cas suddenly exclaimed, pushing Dean off him and grabbing his right wrist and extending his arm to look. He pulled up the sleeve of his shirt so sharply Dean thought he had ripped it, but didn't protest, knowing what the angel needed to see. His fingertips drifted over the now smooth skin but he didn't seem convinced, looking up and staring into Dean's green eyes. Dean knew was he was doing, watching as the angel's eyes glowed for a moment. He remained still, didn't shy away from the intensity of his stare, wanting to reassure Cas in any way he could. 

"Your soul..." He mused after a moment, eyes scrunching and head tilting in that familiar way that made Dean smile. It looked so ridiculous with the glowing eyes. Dean had missed that look. It wasn't the same when Cas didn't remember him and had a knife at his throat. 

"It's so much brighter than I remember." Castiel mused, contining to stare into Dean's soul, eyes sparkling like it was the most brilliant thing he had ever seen. "The Mark must have dulled it." He looked down at Dean's arm again, glow fading from his eyes, a slight smile on his face. "I've missed seeing it." He admitted softly unconsciously tracing a circle around where the Mark had been just days ago. 

Dean didn't know what to say after that admission, so he pulled his arm back out of Cas's grip and entwined their fingers instead. 

"Do you remember anything?" Dean asked while Cas looked down curiously at their hands. He seemed puzzled by the close contact that Dean had always shied away from in the past, but decided not to question it, tightening his grip with a smile. But as he thought about Dean's question, he began to scowl. 

"Not after the spell. There was a blast and then everything went dark. The next time I woke up I saw you for just a moment and then I was down again." Cas frowned, finally noticing the fading purple bruises on Dean's neck. His eyes widened in alarm, reaching out with a gentle hand to run his fingers along them. They were warm and soothing against Dean's sore skin. Dean had a feeling he was being healed but didn't protest, knowing Cas would only argue. 

"Who did this to you?" He asked softly and Dean ducked his head, examining a pull in the blankets. "I did this?!" Cas exclaimed, pulling his hand away in obvious distress. "I don't remember-I'm so sorry-"

"Cas, hey, it's fine!" Dean said quickly, grabbing the angel's shaking hands and holding them tightly. "When you woke up, you didn't remember anything. Not Sam, not me, so you attacked. I don't blame you for that."

Cas still looked astonished by what he had done and Dean sighed, tightening his hold on Cas's hands. "Cas I would have done the same thing."

The angel only shook his head. "No, Dean, this shouldn't have happened. How could I have done that?"

"Cas..."

"I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I promise-"

"Cas-"

"What if something happens and I forget again? What if I try to kill you? What if-"

"Cas!" When the angel rambled on and on with no sign of stopping, Dean didn't think, he just acted on impulse. 

Without any kind of warning, Dean leaned in and kissed him. 

Castiel froze in his hands, eyes wide and mouth still as Dean kissed him, swift and gentle, barely a brush of the lips, but enough to make him stop talking. 

When Dean realized what he had done and, worse, that the angel hadn't responded, he scrambled backwards off the bed, nearly falling onto the floor. 

"Jesus, Cas I'm so sorry-I...I don't know what I was thinking-I just..." He stared at the still frozen angel, who was watching him with an expression Dean didn't understand, interpreting it as sheer horror and violation. "I have to go." He finally whispered, tearing out of the room without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think????? Love hearing from you guys so more comments are appreciated!! Let me know what you think! I'm still learning so anything you want to say, go for it!! :D Thanks for reading! I'll update again soon!!


	5. Misunderstandings and Bad Timing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update! I feel terrible for taking so long. :( Finals have been brutal. Hope you enjoy the next chapter!!

Dean avoided Castiel for the rest of the day. And for several days after that. He didn't speak to him, didn't visit him. In fact, he refused to even get within five feet of the angel, which was a problem, because Cas was staying in his room. So every night Dean passed out in front of the television on a couch that was clearly not designed for sleeping, waking up with the worst pain in his back to remind him he had screwed up. 

After three days of walking around hunched over from the sharp stabs in his spine, Dean still refused to get anywhere near his friend, much to Sam's confusion and annoyance. 

"Is everything okay between you and Cas?" Sam asked over breakfast. He had made some extra toast to bring the angel after they finished, trying to get Dean to do it for him. 

"Yeah, man, everything's great." Dean answered gruffly around a mouthful of bacon. He had quickly picked up on his old eating habits, much to Sam's frustration. 

"I know you probably still feel bad about what happened...you know, with the Mark..."

"Really don't want to talk about this right now." Dean muttered, glaring at his brother, who just narrowed his eyes at him. 

Dean already felt bad enough for going and kissing his best friend, but the reminder that he hadn’t even managed to apologize for nearly killing the angel just made everything worse. 

"You can't keep hiding from this. He's not angry with you, Dean." 

"That's not the problem, alright?" Pushing away from the table, Dean dropped his plate in the sink and rubbed the back of his neck. "Just, let it go, alright?" 

"Fine. But you're going to need to talk about this soon. Cas thinks he did something wrong and he's worried."

"I know, Sam."

***

It was another two days before Sam bothered him again. Dean still managed to avoid going into his room, much to his body's annoyance. He wasn't really sleeping at this point, other than the brief naps he got when he passed out in random parts of the bunker. His brother found him asleep at the table, in the library, once he managed to sleep leaning over the sink in the kitchen while washing dishes. 

"Dean, this is getting ridiculous!" Sam exclaimed after waking Dean up from where he had dozed off over a book.

"Wha-?"

"Cas has been looking for you for the past two hours. You two need to talk."

"You mean he's walking?!" Dean burst out, suddenly wide awake. "He's out of his room?? You let him get up! He should still be resting!" He exclaimed, not caring how ridiculous he sounded. The angel was still weak. His grace had taken a major blow from shaking off Rowena's curse. He shouldn't be out walking around yet. 

"Well maybe if you had been visiting him, you could have talked to him about it and gotten him to stay in bed." Sam argued, glowering at him. 

"Yeah well-you know what-shut it." Dean mumbled, running a hand through his hair.

"Dean, I don't get it. You stayed with him for three days! You wouldn't leave his side unless it was to change the movie you were watching and now you won't get anywhere near him! What the hell happened!?"

"I screwed up, alright!" Dean shouted, "He woke up and..." He couldn't bring himself to say anything. He couldn't tell his brother what he had done, how he had managed to take everything from bad to worse in a matter of minutes. 

Sam frowned at him. "And what?"

Dean coughed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I couldn't apologize." He lied, which was true. The angel hadn't given him the chance. That thought only made him feel worse.

"Dean..."

"I couldn’t do it, Sam. He should hate me after what I did. He probably doesn't want anything to do with me. I can’t face him after that. I thought it would be alright once he woke up, but it just got harder. I screw up his life time and time again and this time I don't know if I can fix it." 

"Dean?" This time, it was a different voice that spoke and Dean froze.

He closed his eyes, wondering if the ground would open up and swallow him whole. With the Darkness unleashed, hell would probably be more comfortable than where he was now. 

"I'll...leave you two alone." Sam murmured, backing out of the library while Dean slowly convinced himself to turn around. 

Cas was watching him from the corner of the room, brow creased with worry, in a borrowed ACDC t-shirt and sweatpants. His wide blue eyes stared up at him, swimming with hurt and confusion. 

"Is that really what all of this is about? Is that why you have been avoiding me?" Cas asked, slowly crossing the room, frown deepening with each step he took. "You think I hate you for what you did? What the Mark made you do?"

"I...no that's not entirely...well...sort of I guess..."

Cas stared at him in disbelief, looking offended by Dean's answer. 

"After all that we have been through...after all that we have done for each other, you think I would sink that low?" Cas sneered, coming closer and Dean took a step back, alarmed by his expression. His eyes were dark, fury boiling in them. "You think I would hold that against you, something that was almost entirely out of your control."

"No, Cas, that's not it-I-"

"What do you want me to say? That I hate you for what you did?" 

"Well you should!" Dean shouted back suddenly, anger rising in his chest. "I tried to kill you, Cas! And then you woke up and I went and did...that..." He trailed off, the tiny amount of steam he had evaporating into the air and he just deflated, shoulders drooping and head falling. "You should hate me, Cas."

Cas looked at him for a moment, frowning deeply, confusion obvious on his face. The darkness had cleared from his eyes, fading back to that bright, piercing blue. 

"Well I'm sorry, Dean. But I can't do that." He said softly, turning on his heel and walking out of the room. 

***

Before the angel could even clear the doorway Dean was across the room, grabbing him by the hand and tugging him back inside. Cas looked up at him in surprise but didn’t protest, letting himself be dragged back through the door. 

Dean didn’t drop his hand, looking down at their now entwined fingers with a small frown. He didn’t speak. The part of his brain responsible for forming words seemed to have stopped functioning. Cas watched him intently, waiting patiently for the hunter to start. 

Finally, he managed a gruff, “I’m not good at this, Cas.”

Cas only answered with a gentle squeeze of his hand, as though to reassure Dean that he wasn’t going anywhere. 

“The Mark...it made me do things I never thought I could do. Things that keep me up at night, that haunt me every time I close my eyes. I can’t ever take back what I did.” Dean slowly looked up at the angel, clenching his jaw as he struggled to find the right words. “But what I did to you...I can’t ever make that right, Cas. I tried to kill you. Hell, I would have if we fought any longer.”

“But you didn’t, Dean. You stopped yourself.” Cas whispered. 

“That doesn’t make it okay, Cas!” Dean exclaimed, finally dropping his hand and turning away from those bright blue eyes. “That doesn’t make it any better. It doesn’t change what I did. It doesn’t take it all away. It doesn't change the fact that I'm a monster!”

“You keep saying that like it will make me suddenly change my mind.” Cas snapped and Dean glanced at him, surprised to find the angel by his side. “Like it will make me turn on you. I’m not going to do that, Dean, whether you like it or not.” He stepped closer, grabbing his hand again. "You're not a monster, Dean. The Mark, it made you do things I know you never would have done. You're still the human I put back together all those years ago. Nothing has changed. You're a good person, Dean, whether you believe it or not."

Dean was silent for a moment before slowly, carefully, whispering, “I’m sorry, Cas.”

Castiel gave him a small smile. “I know, Dean. I forgave you the second you walked out the door.” 

Dean stared at him for a moment before pulling the angel into his arms, burying his face in his hair. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He kept murmuring in his ear, gripping onto the fabric of his borrowed t-shirt to keep him there, afraid Cas would push him away in disgust. 

But he didn’t, winding his arms around Dean’s waist and resting his cheek against the hunter’s shoulder. “I know, Dean.” Was his soft reply as he soothingly stroked up and down the taller man’s back. 

Neither of them spoke for a long time, Cas just rubbing his shoulders while Dean held him against his chest. But the angel pulled back, studying the hunter with a slight frown. 

“You’re still tense, Dean. I know that isn’t all that was bothering you.” He mused and Dean ducked his head, dropping his arms from around Cas’s waist. 

“I...uhm...it’s nothing.”

“Dean, don’t lie to me.”

“No, Cas...it’s really nothing, alright?” Dean snapped, glowering at him.

Cas glared at him for a moment, watching as Dean blushed under his stare, rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding his eyes. When Dean’s gaze darted to the angel’s lips and away again, he suddenly understood, eyes going wide in surprise. 

“Oh.”

“Oh?” Dean looked up in alarm. 

“This is about the kiss.” Cas said softly. 

“I….maybe.” Dean mumbled, turning away from him with slouched shoulders, looking down at the floor and shoving his hands in his pockets. 

Tense silence stretched between the pair of them that could have been cut with a knife. Dean kept staring at the floor, wondering what the angel was doing behind him, not hearing Cas coming closer until there was a hand on his shoulder, turning him around. 

“Dean, talk to me.”

Dean stared at him. He kept staring for a long time and Cas just stared back, the two of them mere inches apart, much closer than Dean normally would have allowed. He just shook his head, ever so slightly and Cas sighed, dropping his gaze. A look of sheer disappointment crossed his face, making any resolve Dean had to push his friend further away crumble. 

Raising a shaking hand, he touched the angel’s cheek, making him look up in wonder.

He gave him the barest hint of a smile, gently caressing his cheek, tracing the planes of his face like he was trying to memorize it with his fingertips. Cas smiled back, eyelids drooping lazily as he leaned into the touch. 

“Dean…” He hummed and Dean smiled wider, leaning down and pressing their foreheads together. The angel opened his eyes, catching the green staring back at him. 

Carefully, centimeter by centimeter, Dean closed the remaining distance between them, brushing their lips together in the most fleeting of ways. 

Dean pulled back again, just far enough to gauge the angel’s reaction. 

Cas stared up at him with the same wonder as before, lips parted and inviting. Dean could only smiled broadly, pulling him into his arms, crushing their lips together with a triumphant sigh, trying to put all the emotions he couldn’t voice into the kiss, praying Castiel understood. 

The angel wound his arms around his neck, pulling him closer and smiling against his lips as though nothing made him happier. Dean knew he didn’t deserve it, but couldn’t bring himself to push the angel away anymore. This was what he had wanted all along, to have the angel in his arms, to be able to kiss him and hold him. He felt like he was whole for the first time in years, happiness bubbling in his chest and threatening to spill over. 

Of course Sam, being Sam, chose that exact moment to barge back into the library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you all think??? Let me know in the comments! Hoping to have the next chapter up as soon as possible, maybe with a little smut...we'll see... ;)


	6. The "L" Word and What Happens After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FEEL SO BAD THAT IT HAS TAKEN THIS LONG!!!! I'M SO SORRY!!!!!!!!! Anyways....this is my first smut...ever...so it's somewhat vanilla and took me forever to write. Hope you all enjoy though! Let me know what you think! :D

"OH JESUS, COME ON!" Sam exclaimed, hand over his eyes as he stumbled backwards into the door. 

"Maybe you should check next time!" Dean called back, though the smile on his face showed he really couldn't care less. 

"That's what I was DOING!" Sam groaned, peeking at the pair of them to make sure there were at least six inches between them. Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair, eyes darting between them with a sheepish grin. "So...you guys worked out...whatever was wrong?" Sam asked, looking a little embarrassed. 

Dean rolled his eyes, stepping away from the angel but clasping their hands together. "Yeah, bitch, we worked it out." 

"Jerk." Sam mumbled, grinning at the two of them. "Look, I'm happy for you guys, really, but could you do...whatever you're doing, somewhere other than here?" 

"Sure thing, Cas, what about the kitchen?" Before Cas could ever reply Sam was chucking a book at his brother, who dodged it with a grin. 

"Alright, alright! We'll get lost!" But as Dean started to tug the angel out of the room, Sam grabbed his elbow. 

"Could I actually talk to you really quick?" Sam asked, glancing quickly at Cas, nodded and dropped Dean's hand to wait in the hall. Dean couldn't keep the pout from his face and glowered at his brother. 

"Now really isn't a good time, Sammy." "I know, I know, I'll make it quick." He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, a nervous habit he had picked up from his older brother. 

The second ticked by and Dean sighed, "What's on your mind, Sam?" 

"Look, I just want to make sure this is what you want." Sam finally said. "Because I know how much Cas cares about you. I just want to make sure you're not...I don't know...trying to make him happy out of guilt or something." 

Dean stared at him, offended by the suggestion that he would do that. "You think I would stoop that low?" 

"No...I just want to make sure you're happy. That you're not going to regret this." Sam explained, trying desperately to make his brother understand. "...Are you happy?" 

Dean glanced at the empty doorway, knowing the angel was waiting for him on the other side and he smiled widely. "I really am, Sammy." 

Sam grinned at him, clapping him on the shoulder. "Good. Now get lost so I can find the brain bleach." 

*** 

As soon as the door was closed behind them, Cas had Dean backed up against the wall, hands tracing his shoulders before delving into his hair. Any shyness, any reservations he might have shown in the library seemed to have gone out the window. 

Dean groaned in surprise, hands sliding down to push at the small of his back, tugging him closer and angling his head to deepen the kiss. Cas hummed in approval, fingers tightening in his hair as Dean traced the seam of his lips, asking for entrance. Lips parting, Dean slipped his tongue inside, eagerly exploring his mouth, determined to memorize every inch, every curve. 

The hands removing his plaid shirt were so gentle, so unrushed compared to the kiss they had been sharing, that Dean pulled away to look at the angel. He watched the strong hands carefully tugged the shirt away, tossing it to the side before retracing their steps, tracing the muscles of his arms and shoulders, gripping them gently to pull Dean in again. 

“Cas…” He breathed against his lips, brushing them gently with the smallest of smiles. He could feel Cas’s returning grin. 

It was too good. It was all so much more than Dean deserved. He stopped cold, struck with the sudden realization that this was wrong. That the angel deserved more. More than Dean could ever give him. He glanced at his arm, the smooth flesh still managing to remind him of the damage he had done only days ago. 

Cas sensed his sudden change in demeanor and pulled away with a soft frown. 

“Dean?” He whispered, cupping his cheek with one hand, eyes wide and swimming with concern. Dean looked away, eyes stinging with sudden tears. “Dean! What is it, what’s wrong?” Cas exclaimed, both hands on his face now, tenderly wiping away his tears. 

“I can’t do this, Cas.” Dean rasped, trying to push the angel away, but Cas held firm, grabbing his shoulders and holding him steady. 

“Dean, I don’t understand.”

“You deserve more than this, Cas.” Dean said quietly, still avoiding those persistent blue eyes. “You deserve more than me.”

“I don’t...Dean what do you mean?”

“I can’t do this to you.” Dean whispered brokenly, “I’m not good enough. The Mark is gone, sure, but something will happen again. Something will come after us and I’ll hurt you again. I know it. I’m a monster, Cas. I can’t do that to you again. You deserve so much more than someone who is only going to hurt you.”

“Dean!” Cas shouted over him, grabbing his hands. The glare set in his features was enough to make Dean stop talking, staring down at him with eyes that pleaded for him to understand. 

“Cas…”

“I don’t care.” Cas said simply and Dean blinked. 

“You...what?”

“I don’t care.” Cas repeated. “I don’t care if you think you aren’t good enough. I don’t care if you think I deserve better.” Dean didn’t respond, staring down at their entwined fingers. “I have done things that I regret. I have killed people, destroyed heaven, tried to rule the world. I have caused you pain, have even tried to kill you, and yet you still seem to think that I am the righteous one. That I am the one who deserves more, when really I am the one who isn’t good enough for you.” 

“Cas, I can’t-”

“Dammit, Dean!” Cas cried, throwing his hands up in complete frustration. “You seem determined not to see yourself clearly, so let me do it for you.” Cas’s voice calmed as he spoke, taking Dean’s face in his hands again. “Let me tell you what I see.”

He stroked Dean’s cheeks, tracing the planes of his face and Dean’s eyes slid closed without his permission, leaning into the caresses while more tears streamed down his cheeks. 

Cas watched him for a moment in silence before whispering, “Do you know what I see when I look at you, Dean?” 

When Dean failed to reply, Cas snaked his arms around his neck, stroking the back of his head and trailing his fingers over the nape of his neck. Dean keened at the touches but still didn’t respond, keeping his eyes shut. 

“Dean, look at me.”

Slowly, as though afraid the angel would disappear, Dean’s eyes opened to narrow slits, barely showing a hint of green as he peered down at Cas, who only smiled up at him, hands going back to his cheeks. 

“I see a man unlike anyone else. I have been around since the dawn of time and lived through billions of lifetimes. Not one person has stood out to me. I sat in heaven, a stoic soldier with no regard for human life or even the lives of the angels around me. Until my mission. Until I was sent to pull Dean Winchester, the righteous man, out of hell.”

Dean was silent as Cas spoke, still unable to see what point Cas was trying to make. He knew the truth, whether Cas saw it or not. 

“In the depths of hell, I had never seen a soul shine so brightly. A light more brilliant than anything I could have imagined. So perfect, so pure, even the tortures and sins of hell could not taint it. I knew then that you were not ordinary, that you were special.” Cas paused, eyes glowing and boring into Dean’s as he examined what Dean could only assume was the broken remainder of the twisted soul the angel had once known. But the smile that broke through Cas’s concentration, that crinkled the corners of his eyes and made them shine even brighter, said otherwise. 

“Even now, it has not changed. It shines brighter than ever.” He mused, blue glow fading from his eyes, leaving them that familiar crystal blue. “No hateful creature’s soul could remain that pure. No monster’s soul could shine the way yours always has.”

Cas stood on his toes to gain that extra inch, tenderly brushing his lips against the frozen hunter’s. “You are not a monster, Dean. You are the same man I met in the barn, the same man who has saved my life more times than I care to admit. You are the same man that I put back together, piece by piece. The same man that became my family when I had no one else to turn to. The only man that I share a profound bond with. The only one that I love. And that, Dean Winchester, is good enough for me.”

Dean stared down at the angel for a moment in stunned silence, the dried stains on his cheeks being flooded with fresh tears as he cupped the angel’s jaw and pulled him into another kiss. 

It was messy and wet, filled with unspoken promises and apologies that Dean couldn’t manage to say. It was soft and unhurried, hands lingering on cheeks and shoulders, the two refusing to part until Dean saw stars in his eyes and needed to breathe. Even then he didn’t go far, burying his face in Cas’s shoulder and trying to will away his remaining tears. 

Cas murmured sweet things in his ear, stroking his back like he had in the library, just content to hold him in his arms. 

“I still don’t believe you.” Dean said, almost playfully, in the angel’s ear, earning him a huff and a prod in the ribs. 

“Well I’ll just have to keep telling you until you do.” Cas replied, kissing his temple. Dean could feel the smile on his lips and managed a smile of his own. 

“I love you.” Cas murmured in his ear and Dean closed his eyes, curling his arms tighter around the angel. 

“I…” Dean paused, words catching in his throat. The “L” word had always been one he struggled with. Even with Lisa he had only managed to say it once and it hadn’t felt right on his tongue. Like he was only saying it because that’s what she wanted to hear. But with Cas...Dean knew he meant it. Knew he wanted to say it, and yet he still couldn’t get the words out of his mouth. 

“It’s alright, Dean. You don’t have to say anything.” Cas said, sounding so sincere, so understanding, that it gave Dean the final push he needed. 

“I-IloveyouCas.” He stuttered, sentence strung together to form one word, but Cas’s eyes widened and that crinkly eyed smile returned. 

“Really?” The angel squeaked. 

Dean grinned, “Yeah, Cas. I love you.” He mused, testing the words again on his tongue, surprised by how right they felt. “I love you.” He repeated with a wide smile, kissing Cas’s nose. “I love you.” He tried again, kissing his forehead. “I love you.” His temple. “I love you.” He wound his arms around the angel’s waist, pulling him into his arms so close that his feet lifted off the ground and Dean laughed, “I love you.” He said louder, kissing Cas briefly on the lips before setting him down again. Cas was laughing now, eyes bright and shining as they stared up at him. 

“I love you.” Dean said, softly this time, leaning in and kissing Cas tenderly, arms still around his waist, holding him tight. 

Cas hummed against his lips, arms quickly tangled around his neck, playing with his hair and pulling at his shirt. Dean pushed off the wall, walking Cas toward the bed, not stopping until the two of them toppled onto the mattress in a fit of laughter. 

Dean slowly crawled on top of Cas again, a small smile on his lips as he paused at the angel’s waist, toying with the hem of his shirt. Even in the lightness of the moment that was making him dizzy, he needed permission. Cas gave him a soft smile, carding a hand through the hunter’s hair with a swift nod. Dean beamed back at him before inching the fabric up, ducking his head to press gentle kisses to the newly exposed skin. 

Dean kept his eyes focussed on the task at hand, reveling at tan muscles jumping under his lips, hands gently caressing the firm skin under his fingertips. Once the shirt was bunched around Cas’s shoulders, Dean sat back, pulling the angel with him to tug it over his head. The two giggled when it got stuck around Cas’s forehead, hair in more of a disarray than ever when it was finally dislodged. Smiling fondly, Dean brushed the unruly locks from his face before diving in for another kiss, Cas eagerly meeting him halfway. 

Rolling them over so quickly Dean vaguely wondered if angel mojo had been used, Cas ended up on top of him, hands sliding under his t-shirt, eyes locked as he traced his stomach and moved up to his chest, pulling the shirt over his head with much more ease than Dean had done, dropping it to the floor with a smile. 

Lips starting a path along his jaw, the angel made his way down his neck, pausing to suck a mark on his pulse point, smoothing it over with his tongue and Dean moaned in approval, raking his nails over the strong shoulders above him. He could feel the smile on his skin as Cas went lower, nipping playfully at his collarbone, hands braced on his shoulders to keep Dean still, massaging the muscles until Dean was a puddle beneath him. 

When he tentatively licked at a nipple, Dean groaned and closed his eyes with a whispered, “Cas…”

The angel pulled back to look at him, worry creasing his brow, though Dean didn’t see it. “Did I do something wrong?”

Dean’s eyes popped open, a smile on his face. “No angel. C’mere.” He breathed, pulling him back down and kissing him, rougher than before, all tongue and teeth. 

In a frantic wrestling match with their pants that resulted in a lot more laughter and Dean almost falling off the bed, they became tangled together, kissing passionately, hands in hair and sliding down each others backs. Dean pushed Cas onto his back, knee between his legs and arms braced on either side of his head. Cas moaned in surprise and Dean could feel the hardness against his thigh. 

“Dean-” Cas whispered, rolling his hips upward in search of some kind of friction and Dean groaned, collapsing on top of him and slotting their bodies together. 

He could feel everything. Every line of Cas’s body, every plane of solid muscle against him, every touch, every drag of hands on skin. His head spun with pleasure, hips rocking against each other in an uneven rhythm that just felt perfect. Felt right. 

When Cas’s head dropped back, exposing his throat, Dean dipped his head, latching on to his pulse point as the angel had done to him before, unable to resist a smile when a moan reached his ears. 

“Dean...Dean-” Cas chanted, hands scrabbling on his shoulders, trying to ground himself. 

“I’ve got you, Cas.” Dean whispered against his skin, rolling a nipple between his fingers, his free hand winding around Cas’s waist to pull him flush against him and Cas gasped, eyes rolling back in pleasure, hips grinding desperately. 

Dean knew he wouldn’t last much longer. It had been too long, and with Cas it meant so much more. He had been gone since they fell on the bed together. So when he felt a tentative hand sneak between them, palming him through his boxers, the moan it tore from his throat was louder than ever but he couldn’t bring himself to care and pleasure shot through him. 

“Cas…” He choked, head falling onto Cas’s shoulder as he rocked into the angel’s palm. Cas touched his cheek, pulling him back up for a kiss and Dean tipped over the edge, hips stuttering and stars popping behind his closed eyelids. 

Collapsing on top of the angel, he kissed Cas’s sweaty brow, aware of the way his hips were still rolling beneath him.

“Let me take care of you.” Dean whispered, fighting off the impending sleep trying to pull him under, sliding his hand down past the elastic of his boxers to grip Cas tightly in his hand. 

“Dean!” Cas’s head dropped back, arching off the bed from the sudden onslaught of pleasure. 

“I’ve got you, angel.” Dean whispered in his ear. “Let go, baby. I’ve got you.”

With another broken gasp of his name, Cas’s came in his hand, back arched and hands fisting the sheets. 

Breathing heavily, he pulled Dean into a sloppy kiss, murmuring praise against his lips and carding a hand through his sweaty hair. 

A few minutes later, after Dean cleaned them off, he pulled the covers over both of them, grinning sleepily when the angel cuddled into his side, draping an arm across his chest and dropping his head over his beating heart. 

“I love you, Cas.” He whispered as he closed his eyes. Even though sleep was pulling him under, he didn’t miss the way Cas smiled and kissed the spot over his heart. 

“I love you too, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...blushes violently over my minor smut...what do you think???? I'll be hiding and waiting for your feedback...


	7. Welcome Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello everyone!! I'm really sorry for not updating in so long. :( Final week of school and all that. So this is the final chapter!! I hope you guys have enjoyed reading it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dean couldn't remember the last time he managed to sleep for any period of time without waking up shaking from nightmares. Even before the Mark, most of his nights had been spent waking up after a couple of hours sitting bolt upright and sweating. But tonight, after the most restful four hours of his life, he woke up for a different reason. 

It felt like he was on fire. 

Some time during the night the covers had been pulled up to his nose, surrounding him in a rather heavy comforter. That would have been bad enough, but he also had an entire angel stretched out on top of him, head on his chest and arms around his neck, breathing puffs of hot air on his overheated skin. Dean knew he wasn't asleep, just in that odd meditation state the angel once talked about, drifting somewhere between sleep and consciousness. But the completely lax state of his body would have fooled anyone else. 

Trying in vain not to disturb the meditating lump on top of him, Dean wriggled around in an attempt to get the blankets off them, but it didn't go unnoticed. 

"What are you doing?" A groggy voice mumbled in his ear and Dean smiled. 

"Sorry angel, was just hot."

Grumbling under his breath, Cas shifted to kick the covers off, scooting over to the empty side of the bed to give Dean space to cool off. Dean only pursed his lips, already missing the weight on top of him and rolled over to wrap his arms around the angel from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder. He could feel Cas's smile against his cheek and welcomed the light kiss that followed. 

"Were you asleep?" Dean asked, just to make sure there had been no after effects of the curse, like turning his angel back to a human. 

"You know I don't need sleep, Dean." Cas mused, entwining their fingers and reclining back against Dean's chest. 

"Just checking. And...you remember?"

"I think you would know if I didn't." Cas said lightly, turning in his arms to face the hunter with a fond smile. But he could see the worry in Dean's eyes and his face softened. 

"Yes, Dean. I remember." Cas assured him, touching his cheek and kissing his forehead. "I remember everything. Piecing you back together and later when we first met face to face. I remember fighting side by side with you and your brother. I remember every smile, every laugh. I remember every fight we've had and how we always seemed to find each other again. I remember how it felt to think I lost you, how it felt to see you again without the Mark. I remember last night, every touch, every kiss, every emotion." Dean was beaming at him and leaned in for a chaste kiss, both grinning too much for any real kissing to come of it. 

"I remember every time you said I love you." Cas added and Dean's eyebrows shot up. "I counted." Cas grinned. 

"Shut up, no you didn't."

"Forty three times, Dean." Cas said firmly, not even pretending he had to strain to remember. "You told me forty three times."

"Yeah well..." Dean ducked his head, warmth flooding his cheeks and he knew he was blushing. Cas's silent laughter shook the bed and he put a hand under Dean's chin, bumping their noses together and Dean couldn't help but smile. 

"I enjoyed hearing it. Immensely." Cas offered and Dean's grin widened. "I hope to hear it again. Every day."

Dean looked up in surprise. "You mean you'll stay?"

Cas looked hurt by the question. "You think I would leave you now?"

"I thought you would want to go back to heaven...now that you've got your mojo back." Dean looked down again, their hands clasped together between them and he tightened his hold. "It's your home, Cas."

He heard a huff and looked up, surprised to see Cas glowering at him. 

"Heaven has not been my home in a very long time, Dean. I thought you knew that." Cas said quietly, missing the surprised look on Dean's face. Though Cas stayed with them a lot, he always talked about needing to go back to heaven. "Home is not a place you feel obligated to return to because it has been drilled into you from the dawn of time. It is not a place that constantly needs to be fixed or a place where you are rejected. It is not a place full of angels who do not want you." Cas's face softened into a small smile. "My home has always been here. With you and Sam." He wound his arms around the hunter's waist, kissing his nose. "My home is here with you, and I'd like to stay...if you'll have me."

They stayed silent for a moment, then Dean whispered, "Hey, Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?"

"I want you to. Would you stay?" 

Cas beamed at him, eyes shining brightly in the room before he surged forward for a kiss. 

"I'll never leave you again, I promise." Cas breathed, arms around him and words whispered in his ear. 

"I love you." Dean whispered as he kissed him again, words slightly mumbled but the message was still clear.  

"I love you, too." Cas replied, cuddling against Dean's chest and closing his eyes. Dean kissed the top of his head, holding the angel tightly as he drifted off to sleep. 

When Sam cracked open the door to check on them the next morning, he found them in that same snuggled position. Cas in Dean's arms, foreheads bumping together and sleepy smiles on their faces while Dean carded a hand through the angel's hair. Sam couldn't help but smile at the pair of them, quickly closing the door. He didn't think this needed to be explained. It had been a long time coming anyways. 

And when the two of them came into the kitchen wearing those same smiles, hands clasped between them, Sam just smiled and decided not to say a word. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!! Comments are appreciated! Love you all! :D


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